Life isn’t fair. Your body has begun the healing process post labor and delivery but your baby isn’t with you. Nothing to show for the pain you had gone through. They cut you open, sewn you shut and that was it. You find yourself second guessing if there was anything else you could have done. And if you did your best, how could THIS be your best? You may wonder ‘if I had done something differently what would the outcome be?’ Would my baby (babies) have lasted an extra week or a month longer?
I know you cry uncontrollable tears at home and try pull yourself together when you visit. I know that visits aren’t ever easy. You ask permission to cuddle your baby and hold your breath while you wait for an answer. Even when you get the joy of holding them it isn’t easy. The tiniest human rests on your chest or maybe they’re tucked away into your bra. You close your eyes and wonder if this is real. You wonder will something go wrong when I’m gone? Will we come out of this victorious or will things take a turn? I know you face the reality of life or death daily.
I know you stand in line for your coffee and hear a baby cry, your heart instantly sinks. I know it will be awhile before you hear that sweet sound. I know you get jealous of seeing another mama out and about pushing a stroller. I know you want to scream “I’m a mom too!”
I know people do not understand you. Some even make inappropriate comments. I know you are learning to brush them away. I know you feel alone but I also know that you are not.
I know you are and will be the strongest mama for you kids. I know you are worthy for someone to call you a mom. I know you find the courage to deal with the NICU daily. I know you’re a hero.